Boundaries: Setting your own terms and conditions in the new year
5 Thoughts I'm Having
Dear friend,
Can we discuss our boundaries today?
If you grew up in the 70s and 80s as I did, you are probably no stranger to the mindset of putting work and career above all else. Phrases like “paying your dues,” “putting in the hours,” "work hard, play hard” (emphasis on work first), “climbing the corporate ladder,” and “strong work ethic is the key to success” are all clichéd phrases for a reason: they were said often by baby boomers who raised children at that time.
About the time I entered the corporate world of public accounting 30 years ago, hired by baby boomers, a new phrase emerged: “work-life balance.” This phrase suggests that Generation X was beginning to understand that they wanted to make their personal life just as important as their professional life (not more important, mind you, but just as). And again, many (mostly the baby boomers lording over the Generation Xers) were quick to put the emphasis of work coming before life.
Generation X also seemed to take a self-reliance or do it yourself approach, a more pragmatic approach to getting things done. They did what needed to be done without having to rely heavily on others. Get the work done faster and more efficiently in order to return home and develop a “balanced” life.
Generation X was also expected (by the baby boomers who hired them) to be more resilient—to bounce back quickly from any sort of set back.
I remember when I became pregnant with my second child. I was working as an accountant for a thoroughbred training operation. And I was terrified of telling my boss that I was pregnant. For good reason, it turns out. When I told him that I was expecting, he sighed and said, “I guess this means you’ll need some time off. I suppose that’s okay as long as you make sure the payroll is taken care of.”
He allowed me to take six weeks off, but I made sure the weekly payroll was handled.
I left that job soon after and went back to public accounting. While working for the same firm that gave me my initial start, my mother became ill. I was working reduced hours and only during tax seasons (Jan-April and Aug-Oct). One day in August, I was assigned a project by one of the firm’s managers. It was a rush job that had to be completed that day before midnight. I didn’t fully understand what was being asked of me, and the woman making the ask knew my schedule. Around 6 pm the evening of the project (well past the time I was supposed to leave work), I received a phone call telling me my mom had been admitted to the hospital and was in intensive care. I had to leave.
I explained to the manager that my mother was in ICU and that I couldn’t complete the task. She was irate. She told me that I had to stay and finish the job. I did not. I never spoke to that person again. (It was a large firm, so fortunately, I was able to work for other managers.) I do think of her often, especially when I’m writing “fictional” villains. And I say this not to admit that she still takes up space in my head (she does not), but to say that this memory reminds me that boundaries are a good thing. I drew a hard line that day. I would never allow work to dictate how and when I showed up for my family.
This is not to say that I always get things perfect. Drawing lines and establishing boundaries is not easy. People will cross those boundaries all the time. I believe we must continuously create the terms and conditions by which we live our lives. Why do you think I named this Substack On My Terms?
I believe we must continuously create the terms and conditions by which we live our lives. Why do you think I named this Substack On My Terms?
I could give you hundreds of examples of ways I’ve drawn lines and constructed boundaries in my life. And I could give you just as many examples of ways people have attempted to cross those lines or break down those boundaries. Sometimes they were even successful.
But for today, let’s move on to 5 Thoughts I’m Having on the subject of boundaries:
If we don’t establish our hard lines and boundaries when it comes to our well-being, we will face burnout. I work on this constantly, especially this time of year as I’m entering a busy time at work. We must be well-versed in our own boundaries in order to know when they’ve been breeched. For me, this means setting a schedule and the number of hours I’m willing to work and sticking to it. It also means signing off of the computer and not answering emails after hours. I work remotely from home, so this is especially important for me.
Have a plan in place for when your established lines have been crossed. I’ve had people at my job (bosses) applaud me in the past for being “flexible.” And while it was supposed to be a compliment, I knew it was a warning. A warning to myself that I had allowed a boundary to be crossed. This does not mean that I did anything wrong. Even with hard lines drawn, there is room for flexibility as long as it’s on my terms. The problem occurs when I didn’t intentionally allow that crossing. And boy howdy, this happens! Again, I’m not perfect, and this is not easy.
Most (not all) people will not care about your boundaries. For the most part, I’m talking mainly to people in the United States on this one. The US is built on capitalism. We cannot undo centuries of the clichés mentioned above with a few years of boundary settings. And if you want a really good read on all the ways we get this wrong in the United States, read this: The Way We Live in the United States Is Not Normal
Burnout is no joke. Know the signs of your body rebelling. Chronic headaches or pain of any kind is not normal. You need good, regular sleep. If you’re listening to your body, it will tell you when you’ve pushed too far. I know from experience. I also know from experience that if your body is showing signs of rebellion, you’ve let it go too far.
I’ve said this before, but the reason I construct all of these boundaries is so that I have time for other stuff I love. We all need to implement positive practices in our lives to ward off any sort of burn out or work fatigue. For me this means, get out of the house and do things I enjoy, keep up with physical activity, stay in touch with friends and family, take up hobbies. We all know this, right? I feel like everyone everywhere talks about these things. But are we doing the things?
I don’t want to sign off without emphasizing that setting and sticking to your own terms and conditions can be extremely difficult. But I’m here for you. If you feel like it, tell me a boundary you’re working on in the comments.
Until next time,
Heather
Other helpful reading:
Book: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bressel van der Kolk
Substack: The way we live in the United States is not normal by Kirsten Powers and other posts by Kirsten
Substack: Burnout is no joke by Emma Gannon (and other posts by Emma)
Substack: The picture that prompted a life change by Sam Baker (and other posts by Sam)
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Thanks for reading. This newsletter is a consistently inconsistent publication of my thoughts. You can find more of my shorter thoughts and links to things I’m reading in my Notes.
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