Sometimes we need to write letters to ourselves to flush out what we're thinking.

5 Thoughts I'm Having

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Dear friend,

It’s been almost a year since I wrote to you. Even as I write this, I don’t know if I’ll actually send it. But writing a letter can sometimes be helpful in flushing out some sort of block.

I used to crave writing. Whether it be in the form of a newsletter or adding to a novel, I used to feel that if I didn’t sit down and write on a near daily basis, I’d go mad. I don’t remember what, exactly, changed that desire. I still journal fairly regularly, but even that has changed in recent years.

I could argue that a couple of reasons “might” be behind my decision to step back from writing publicly.

1. I stopped writing because I didn’t believe anyone was interested in what I had to say.

OR

2. I stopped writing because I didn’t want people to read what I had to say.

Regarding the first reason. I don’t think anyone likes to admit that they care what others think. Because, Who cares? Right? That’s what writers are supposed to believe. Our target audience is not supposed to be everyone. Even I have said, “I began writing in this dark, shadowy corner of the internet so that I could collect musings about the people, places, and things that inspire, intrigue, and, quite frankly, scare me.” In other words, I began this Substack newsletter to “find out what I’m thinking.” Keyword in that sentence: I. But still, I worried about what everyone else might think.

The second reason stems from the fact that I returned to my original career a few years ago as a CPA (tax accountant). I’m in a management role with a regional firm, and I felt strange about putting information out on the internet that young staff might discover and talk about. Or worse: clients. Why did this concern me? I’m not really sure.

Anyone can see that both of the above reasons are rooted in fear and uncertainty. Putting anything creative or deeply personal out into the public sphere IS scary. You never know who’s going to read it and judge you for it. It’s also scary that people might read it and then simply not care at all. Or they might read it and get a personal insight into your soul. I’ve had to wrestle with the question of whether I wanted people I work with (or anyone, if I’m being honest) to have that insight.

Yet, here we are. I’m writing this letter to you in hopes to “find out what I’m thinking.”

Here are five of the things I’m thinking a lot about these days, in no particular order:

1. I’m thinking that my husband and I are truly in the sandwich generation. We are being pulled in the direction of our “young” adult children’s needs AND toward helping our aging parents. We also still have jobs and individual desires of our own. It’s a lot of directions to be pulled into.

2. I’m thinking of my future retirement. I don’t plan on working as a CPA forever. It’s making me (and my retirement account) happy for now, but I plan to return to writing full time eventually. This isn’t really a secret, but I know that it would probably make my employer a little nervous to hear me talk about it. (See reason #2 above.)

3. I’m thinking about longevity and strength. I’ve taken up strength training in the past year. This has done wonders for both my physical health and my mental well-being.

4. I’m thinking about my home. My husband and I are empty nesters with children who still return home at times. I’ve been busy making our home work for us (we both work remotely from home) while also making it pretty and comfortable for our children and guests who visit.

5. I’m thinking about art and gardening. This fits into #4 — making my home pretty, but it also fits into #3 about longevity. There are so many posts on reddit about millennials (I’m GenX) starting “GrandMa” and “GrandPa” hobbies as a way of skipping right past a midlife crisis. And taking up hobbies like this are also linked to longevity. (I’m somewhat obsessed with the idea of longevity.) Anyway, I might write more about this subject in the future. As I write this, I’m redoing a room in my house to be used as an office, gym, and art studio.

   Bonus thought: I’m thinking about writing. That is the purpose of this newsletter. Writing is always on my mind. And I can’t decide if it’s my own fault for not making time to write, or do I simply not have enough time. I want to revive my newsletter, even if it’s only a letter to myself. And I want to finish Book 4 of the Paynes Creek series: Danger is in the Shadows. This book is three quarters complete, and the series has been very successful. (You can read Book 1, Death is in the Details, for free on ebook.)

All of these things that are on my mind can be traced back to a desire to write. I should probably listen to this letter to myself (and to you). At the very least, I think I’ll send it out into the universe as a way to squash the fears mentioned above.

Anyway, I know a lot has happened in America and in the world in recent weeks, months, and years. And it’s been a while since I’ve written. I hope you are treating yourself well and being patient with yourself.

Until next time,

Heather

P.S. I credit Austin Kleon for inspiring this letter to you and to myself. His post “Newsletters should be letters!” prompted me to write this.

---

If you enjoyed this, do me a favor and hit the ❤️ button. And don’t forget to subscribe.

Thanks for reading. This newsletter is a consistently inconsistent publication of my thoughts. You can find more of my shorter thoughts and links to things I’m reading in my Notes.

If you enjoy my thoughts and want to encourage more writing, you can do one or all of the following: leave a comment and join in the discussion, buy my books or become a paid subscriber (you can also subscribe for free, and I welcome it).