Losing myself in the bottom of a cappuccino

Letting go of guilt and shame to find joy in writing again.

Dear Friend:

When I first decided to escape to Florence, I was excited for the unknown, the adventure, to lose myself in writing, to find myself at the bottom of a cappuccino, to wander the cobblestone streets…

Then the guilt set in. The “you don’t deserve this” mentality that, if I allow myself to admit, is such a wasted mindset that so many of us (mainly women) succumb to. I felt shame for leaving problems behind for a few weeks—problems that I would either pick back up once I returned or maybe, as fortune might have it, problems that would have resolved themselves while I was away. Time will tell. Either way, my hope is that I’ll be better equipped to face some of the issues I’ve put on hold.

I did bring some “problems” with me. Problems with work (CPA day job), that I couldn’t ignore for four weeks. These are also problems that are the result of people not respecting or conveniently forgetting the boundaries I set when I returned to the CPA career. I do share some of this responsibility of not nurturing those boundaries. In many ways, I allowed the boundaries to be crossed or erased in some circumstances. And once boundaries are crossed (or erased), it’s very difficult to resurrect them.

Just yesterday, I received an email from a person frustrated with me. They needed something from me, something I attempted to make sure they had a couple of months ago, anticipating that I would be unavailable soon after April 15. If I could have easily provided this thing they needed, I would have. That’s the kind of CPA I am, however, in this case, I couldn’t easily provide it. And this made them angry, so they stepped out of line with their words in an email.

Now that I am in Florence, I’ve processed through the feelings of guilt and shame, and I’ve mostly let those emotions go. Those are useless feelings now that I’m here. In their place, I’ve embraced the Italian culture, as much as an American can in a short amount of time. I’ve discovered that I enjoy walking the neighborhoods outside of the heavily traveled touristy areas, stopping in for a cappuccino in a bar or patisserie where no one speaks English, or very little.

I’ve enjoyed the constant hum of the Italian language, a soothing sound to be sure even when you don’t understand the words. I’ve relaxed to the night sounds coming through the open windows of my little apartment in the neighborhood I’m growing to love until there are no sounds at all as I drift off to sleep. (Side note: I’ve slept better in the week since I arrived than I have in months back in the United States.)

So, no, I no longer feel guilt or shame for escaping to this corner of the world for a few weeks. Instead, I’m rested, as can be seen by the lack of dark circles or bags under my eyes. I’m inspired to write again, and I have craved writing time. I feel less overwhelmed by some of the worries I left behind.

Stress and worry will always be there, of course. We don’t get to go through life without it, but sometimes getting away helps us process that stress and worry in healthier ways. I am in no way suggesting that anyone has to to all the way to Italy or some other foreign land to them in order to reset. I even think you can “get away” near your own home. But I desired a cultural and drastic mind and body reset. And one week in, I’m finding it well worth it.

Now, instead of the negative emotions women often feel when taking time for themselves, I am excited for the unknown and for adventures that have yet to be defined. And I’m excited to lose myself in the writing and at the bottom of a cappuccino.

Until next time,

Heather

P.S. Make sure you’re subscribed. I’ll likely be writing this newsletter more frequently over the next few weeks as I experience life in Florence, Italy, and as I get back into finishing the fourth book of the Paynes Creek series.

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