Since I've been back from Italy, I've discovered that I no longer respond to emails in 24 hours. And other boundaries I'm thinking about.

5 Thoughts I'm Having

Dear Friend,

Have I really been back from Florence for four weeks? I don’t know what happens to my time when I’m at home. That’s definitely something I need to look into.

I started this letter from one of my favorite cafés, La Cité—one I’d written about several times while visiting Florence. But this time, instead of a cappuccino, I had settled into an afternoon glass of pinot grigio as I took in the scent of cigarettes being smoked nearby and the occasional odor of bodies sweating in the afternoon heat.

Just a side note about cafes and “bars” in Italy. Many/most of them are places to get your morning caffeine and croissants or pastries, but turn into spots for an afternoon/evening aperitivo later in the day. However, Italians drink espressos throughout the day, which makes me wonder, How do they possibly sleep at night.

Across the street from the spot I parked myself that afternoon, workers were finishing up a project with the constant sound of an air compressor and other power tools. Motorcycles and other vehicles raced by behind me. The only thing separating the speeding vehicles from me was a flimsy metal barrier. And as usual, I had one ear tuned in to a conversation to my left between a couple of men from India.

I learned and/or confirmed a few things about myself (and about life working in corporate America) the few weeks I was in Italy—things that maybe I hoped to learn or confirm, and other insights that maybe I was fine leaving in the shadows.

First, I’m 100% in love with being alone for a period of time, especially if it is in a new culture that thrives on healthy rest habits. Alone does not equate to loneliness. I enjoyed getting a table for one and savoring in a glass of wine and a plate of pasta. I loved wandering the streets of a new-to-me place without consulting a maps app and getting lost in order to learn more about the place I found myself. I appreciated making decisions about my day without the need to consult anyone else. Traveling alone did not intimidate me in the slightest. And I look forward to doing it again.

Interested in solo traveling? You’re not alone. Check out this recent article in Travel & Leisure: More Married Women Are Traveling Alone Than Ever Before—Here’s Why. Don’t be put off by the “married” part. I’d argue that women in general are going it alone on adventures around the world more often these days. Or at least we’re talking about it more.

Second, while I enjoyed my alone time, I still adore traveling with my husband, and I missed him. I will travel solo again at some point in the future, but I was ecstatic when my husband (and best friend of 30 years) joined me for a week. My best friend and I enjoy so many of life’s adventures together, and after a bit of time on my own, I realized that I found myself wishing he were with me for certain aspects of it. (And I wanted him to experience the less stressful habits I was witnessing Italians exercise on a daily basis. Like daily riposo.)

Third, I was not a happy person when I began this trip. I was overworked, extremely stressed, and worried about certain aspects of my life and the people in it. While it truly felt like I was running away from the stressful parts of my life, I realized once I was away that I wasn’t running. I was putting distance between me and certain issues so that I could gain a clearer perspective. And I did. And the bags and dark areas under my eyes improved greatly as I slept more and stopped obsessing over worries, but instead began to consider those issues more rationally and not nearly as often.

Fourth, I realized that how we live life in the US really is not normal. As Kirsten Powers wrote in November 2023 (and has stuck with me ever since):

I also began to notice how calm I felt in Italy for extended periods, even when working from there, so it wasn't due to being on vacation. I could feel my nervous system settle. I noticed how I began to find the famous Italian inefficiency charming. It was a kind of quiet rebuke to the productivity fetish in the United States, where businesses are forever trying to "optimize" and "streamline" to please their shareholders and enrich their CEOs while making life increasingly miserable for their employees.

I mentioned in an earlier letter that I had received an email from someone who was frustrated that I couldn’t produce what they needed until I was back from my trip. This person wanted instant help on something (something that was not an emergency, but something they had dropped the ball on months earlier), and they were unreasonable in their demands. And they stepped out of line with their email to me. I’ve always known that people exist in the US that simply do not respect the idea that not everyone wants to work 50 to 60 hours a week, 52 weeks of the year. But I’m also beginning to see an even newer trend: there are people in the US who do not respect boundaries in general. My CPA work is probably 90% remote work from my home. I already have to set strict boundaries for myself around CPA work time, writing work time, and personal time when I’m in my own home. The idea that I took my computer with me to Italy for three weeks disappoints me now, in hindsight. I never agreed to work full time as a CPA, and there were people in my work life who couldn’t do without me for three weeks. Let me be crystal clear: I do not blame the company I work for. I blame myself for not drawing a clear and strict boundary, and I blame the US culture for not pushing people to respect someone when they define that boundary. This is becoming increasingly apparent when it comes to emails.

Fifth, speaking of emails, I could write an entire post on email culture in the United States, but let me just say in this fifth point: We need to be better about setting boundaries when it comes to emails, voice mails, and text messages at work. Not every message deserves immediate attention. Not every message even deserves attention in 24-hours. It’s gotten so bad that I work with someone who will call me, and when I don’t pick up, they’ll hang up and call again, expecting me to answer on the second or third time they call. Eventually they leave a voicemail about nothing urgent, and then they follow up with an email. I am not exaggerating. I am always working on something when they call (it is work, after all), and I do have very good boundaries when it comes to not answering calls or emails when I’m in the middle of another project. As someone who charges by the quarter hour, it wouldn’t be fair to the client I was currently working on if I had a conversation with someone else during that time, now would it?

How the above points apply to my writing life

While I didn’t quite finish Danger is in the Shadows, I’m definitely much closer to the ending than I was before I took the trip, and it is still the goal to finish it in 2025. It is also still the goal to make sure I write more regularly going forward for the simple reason that writing makes me happy. I can’t not write. While I will eventually leave the CPA world behind, writing and being a novelist will always be a part of my life.

Is there something in your life that you can see yourself doing until you’re no longer physically able?

Until next time,

Heather

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Thanks for reading. This newsletter is a consistently inconsistent publication of my thoughts, though I’ve vowed to be more consistent in 2025. You can find more of my shorter thoughts and links to things I’m reading in my Notes.

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